Angel

I think I started my new life

As an anorexic angel.

I woke up to my chapped pink lips

Breathing snow that looked like ash

In a world full of that heavy dampening

Like the afternoon your stereo

Fell into the lake.

My milk skin, stretched too tight

Across my curled bones

Had long forgotten the flavor

Of your cigarette stains on the curtains.

I stretch out my paper thin body

And I swear that my dark hair is

The only contrast between

My shallow collarbones and the winter.

I was clothed by the nudity

That is thrust upon us by innocence,

My soft, slight, shivering breaths

Puffing up into space,

Unsure of their destination.

Wearing a blanket of goosebumps,

Reaching out with dry hands

And cracked nailbeds

Sent me reeling into an ocean of white

A blinding silence,

Like a mute into a trumpet.

I was not born beautiful.

The first sounds I made were that of choking

On the memory of my crimes of self-hate.

My first word was why,

My first movement a nauseous whirl

Trying to collect some semblance of reality

Inside this blinding whiteness.

I was born with the aftertaste

Of the little white pearls I had swallowed

And now found spilt about my breast,

The acid memory of wanting to die,

The corrosive scent of my fear.

I think I was stillborn,

With aching bones and a breaking hair

And no nourishment within my skin.

My dented halo tastes like iron,

And it’s wrapped around my throat.

My wings are ragged and white, so white,

So new and so dead.

I let the water race over my skin

Until it ran as cold as the ashes that fell

Because I wasn’t pure enough for snow.

I let the memory settle in my mind,

The way it felt when

You invaded my brokenness.

I traced your scratches on my hipbones

And the soreness in my limbs.

I laid on the floor

And prayed

That God would have more mercy

On His little anorexic angel.

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We Are All Human

 And we are all beautiful. No matter what size, shape, color, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, nationality, or lineage. We are ALIVE and that is something to stand up for. We are all alive and we are all equal and we are all one and the same. We are all connected. We are all humans; we are all one breathing, living, moving being. And we have to stand together.

 

 

all human

If We Are Lucky

We live in a world

Where no one is ever

Entirely satisfied.

There is always more,

More we could do,

More we could have,

More we could accomplish.

There is always less,

Less time,

Less work,

Less pain.

It’s pointless to complain

About things you can’t change.

It’s ridiculous to think

That we can achieve perfection.

Society is selfish,

Pushing people to the brink,

Telling us not to bully

And then doing nothing.

Teens are getting worse and worse,

And adults are no better.

There are going to be

The good things

And the bad things…

But if we are lucky,

There will ALWAYS be:

Floors to sweep,

Laundry to fold,

Dishes to wash,

Weeds to pull,

Diapers to change,

Grass to water,

And errands to run.

Because if we are lucky,

We will have:

A place to live,

Clothes to wear,

Food to eat,

Work to do,

Family to love,

A place to play,

And a life to live.

So maybe instead of thinking

About all the things we wish

We didn’t have to do,

We should live while we are alive,

And be grateful that we have enough.

Nightmares…

I woke up crying

The nightmares of

Seeing you die,

Watching you bleed,

Your body broken,

Mandled,

Twisted,

Shattered,

And nothing I could do

To ever bring you back.

Watching them extract you

From a totaled car

Down Ogden Canyon.

The nightmares of

You leaving me

Telling me it was

All a game,

That I was NOTHING.

I’ve been hurt before,

But that was insignigicant

Compared to

How much you could

Hurt me.

Waking up to

A tear-soaked pillow,

Still I sobbed into it,

Wearing your jacket,

And breathing your smell.

I think it’s really love

When you miss someone

So much it makes you sick.

When one word

Could mean anyting to

Someone else, but

Everything between you and your love.

And when you’re gone,

The colors seem just as bright,

The world just as sunny,

The sky as blue and

The night as full of stars.

No… when you’re gone

Those things just don’t

Seem special anymore.

Everything I know has gone flat,

Like champagne without bubbles.

And it’s not the

Nothingness I feel,

But the complete lack of ANYTHING

To fight for.

Fourteen months of

Loving you, so much

It made me cry, so much

I had to force myself to think

About ANYONE else

Because I never thought I could have you.

Fourteen months of hoping

That I can be

Everything that you need.

In two months you’ll be home

And you can be with me.

If I had to,

I’d wait years to wake up

To you again.

And it wouldn’t hurt too much

To have my heart broken by you

If it meant that I

Had once held yours.

About Songs I Love

Every now and then there comes a song that’s not like most other music these days… The chords fall deeper under your skin and the melody dances along your eyelashes as you breathe in rhythm. These are the songs that understand. These are the songs that take the words you can’t find and the questions you’re too afraid to ask and quietly insert themselves into your life. These are the songs that I hold most closely to my heart and share with very few people, because I don’t want them to be damaged. They are like butterflies, gentle and quiet and fragile. They are everything to me.

Concrete Chaos

I’m tired of being stuck here

Trapped inside this concrete chaos,

This mad world made in a factory,

Manufactured on an assembly line.

Why is this all plastic?

Sometimes I fear that my own heartbeat

May be nothing more than

An artificial dream.

Someday I’m going to wake up

To a Christmas morning

Filled with Styrofoam snow

And an LED fire.

All the precious, REAL things

That I hold so dear

Will one day soon

Cease to exist.

There is little left in this world

That remains undestroyed

By the crushing, deadly grip

Of our toxic corporate world.

What will become of the forests

That I grew up charging around,

Playing games until the

Break of twilight?

We’re trapped inside a world

Where nothing real means anything.

And unless we change this,

It’s only going to get worse.

Cheating

I’ve put on a second pair of glasses

Because my dear, I don’t understand

How in our twisted world

Good and evil walk hand in hand

She could read stained words

And teach a lesson she did not believe

Followed by a prayer, a thanks

For blessings she doesn’t truly think she’s received.

I still don’t understand

How bad people are good ones too,

And when someone says they love you

You can never be sure it’s true.

They say live for the moment

Others say choices are all that count

But in an empty room full of whispers

Her lies fill me up with doubt.

I still don’t understand

How you can love someone to their face,

And spend hours, days,

With another lover in their place.

They say we’re too young

To even know what love really is,

But then, why do they scream at us,

When I know love is quieter than this?

I still don’t understand

Why I’m asking all the questions they’re afraid to,

As if thoughts of pain and sadness

Could paint them out in blue.

They say trying isn’t good enough,

You either do it or you don’t.

I say I can’t take anymore tyranny,

That’s why I wrote you this little note.

I’m fed up with lies and fake people,

I’m done dealing with all their doors

Slammed in my face,

I won’t stand for it anymore!

It’s time to right the wrongs,

To teach the cheaters all a lesson.

I guess I should start with the one upstairs,

Who the other man’s probably finished undressing.

I still don’t understand

Why my aunt thinks it’s okay

To screw around with other men

When her boyfriend’s faithful to this day.

I guess I got my answer,

Why good and evil walk hand in hand.

People cannot be trusted;

Their emotions are as permanent as drawings in the sand.

The Girl

She was a young girl

Without a care in the world

She loved to sing and dance

And she wanted to be happy

 

She was six when he started

To torment her with his words

She was seven when he started

To torment her with his fists.

 

She was nine when

The best person she’d ever known

Shattered the world with a bang of a gun

The silence so deafening in her wake

 

She was ten when she tried to save her sister

From the pain that she endured

While her innocence was taken

By one so close to home

 

When she stopped eating so much

And eventually didn’t eat at all

When she held a knife to her arm

And found the red

 

When she knew that words hurt

And the knife could take that away

When she learned that she was alone

She didn’t matter anyway

 

She was eleven when she

Questioned her own sexuality

Sleeping with her best girl friend

Trying to find herself.

 

She was twelve when she first

Took a pull from a bottle of whisky

Started dating the boy that hit her too

A fucked up world, indeed.

 

She was thirteen when she was a mom of four

Up three times a night,

Teaching to read, cooking, cleaning,

Loving like a mother would.

 

She was fourteen when she tried to die

Three times, twice to sleep forever

And once to stain

The tub in red

 

When she met someone

Who called her beautiful

And seemed to really mean it

When she fell in love

 

She was fifteen when she stopped self harm

And let that boy into her life

When she finally accepted who she was

And started to eat again

 

She is now a young woman

Who misses her childhood

But would take it all again

To make sure no one ever would

 

And she still battles that eating disorder

All the days of her life

Every time she eats a meal

She celebrates inside

 

She still fights the urge to cut

It’s strong, to this day.

But still she loves the boy

Who saved her from her fate.

Rant on Current Issues

276 girls were abducted from Nigeria in the middle of the night from the Chibok School by Boko Harem raiders. The country couldn’t raise enough armed forces to respond with action as these girls were carried away in the middle of the night.

I honestly feel bad for Nigeria. Their government is corrupted, their lives are awful, their country is in turmoil, and now this? I can’t believe the horrors that some people have to go through. This is why I hate the news, it totally depresses me. Things in the world are getting worse again and that’s not okay. Seriously, who knows what’s happening to those girls? They could be killed, or worse. There are worse things that being murdered in this world and for all we know those 276 girls could be being subjected to that right now. It’s really unfair of us all to sit back and watch these things happen. Just the fact that their own country couldn’t raise enough forces to respond to some of these people’s own daughters being taken away is ridiculous and it shows the poor state the world is in. We need less hate, less problems, and more love. People wouldn’t be so screwed up if their parents weren’t and didn’t treat them like crap. Then again, there’s always going to be people who are screwed up just because they are. But then there’s people like me. Knowing me, you would never guess that I have been through some of the things I have. I may be sassy and sarcastic and a little cynical but for the most part I am okay. We need to raise people to be respectful again. It both disgusts and saddens me to see so many people at our school that I can look at and think, “They are never going to be anything more than that.” It makes me sad for them, it makes me angry, and it hurts to see good lives wasted on bad things. People are wrong about the world People are wrong about life. There’s nothing we can do but to start doing things right again. That’s the only way to solve this whole mess called Earth.