I Think I Can Act

I think I can act…
Tonight I stood on the stage
Wearing the mask of confidence
Easily memorized words flowing from my mouth.
I was no longer me, rather,
I was the character who’s life I stepped inside.
They laughed at all my jokes and thought
A great deal of our show.
I think I can act.
I always knew I could
But never before have I reached
This endless sky of infinitely and zero limits.
I was alive pretending to be another person.
I think I can act
And I think it may be my honesty.

Nothing

I am a ghost here

Cold

Lifeless

Falling

A  P    A       R            T

 

I don’t know where I’m going,

But when I get there,

I’m afraid I might simply

disappear.

I don’t know what I want,

And if I did

I don’t think

I would even know why.

I’m tired of missing something

When I don’t know what it is.

Days drift

In

And out

I am alive

But it’s like I cannot

FEEL

Save for the hell

That seems to have frozen my mind.

 

The demons are put away

Back inside the box

Where I keep them when they sleep.

So why, WHY

Do I feel NOTHING?

My world is empty,

Devoid of color,

Devoid of meaning.

 

All I know anymore is

Bitter words

Some sour taste

Empty promises.

I am not sad,

Or angry,

Or scared,

Or depressed.

I am trapped in a big, vast               V                         O                        I                           D

Of nothingness….

 

And I don’t know how to get out.

About my Mother

The day I lost all respect for my mother

Was not the day she chose my stepdad over us.

It wasn’t the day she told me I was worthless.

It wasn’t the day she told me to get over it.

It was the day I found out

That she’d told my father

A real man would hit a woman when she was wrong.

A real man would put a woman in her place. 

A real man wouldn’t be afraid to beat the girl down

When she was disrespectful.

That was the day I knew

She didn’t care what my stepdad had done to us,

Because to her, he was a real man.

Dance

I am a dancer, I have been my whole life. I need to dance to breathe, to feel loved, to feel worth it. 

The thing is, when I dance, all the negatives go away. I’m not sad because of my life or the fact that my friends tend to leave me a lot. I’m not angry because I have no one I can really count on besides two or so people. I’m not numb because I don’t want to feel anymore… When I dance, I am beautiful, powerful, strong, and amazing.

I get this feeling when I dance, when I do my stag leaps, mostly. I’m leaping into the air, already turning into the landing. My front leg is pointed and straight and it’s ready to accept the floor in the landing. My back foot is in attitude, pointed and ready to turn into the landing. My arms sweep gracefully through the air as I arch my back and throw my head backwards. That moment right before turning into the landing is where every ounce of my soul is screaming to be heard, screaming about the energy in the room and how I don’t need to be sad anymore and that I am enough, I am worth it.

When I dance, I am happier than I have been in a long time. I can figure my life out through dance. Dance is everything I need.

I hope you all have something like that in your lives.

What is Music?

Music isn’t what’s written on the paper.
The paper isn’t music, it’s telling you how to make the music. Music is something that you hear, in your ears and in your head and all around.
Music is something you feel in your heart and soul and with every muscle and nerve and bone and molecule of your body.
You can’t see music. 
And nothing will ever be better than music. 

My Opinion on Music

I’m a 90s kid in my soul. I feel like I should’ve grown up obsessing over Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers tees. I should’ve been going to Wheatus, Weezer, Bush, and Counting Crows concerts. I should’ve grown up watching MTV back when it really had music and crying when Kurt Cobain committed suicde. I should’ve grown up wearing flannels and grunge… I want to wear my hair the way I like it and wear dark lipstick and no eyeshadow and be a grunge kid and listen to my music all the time and be rebellious but I can’t. Because that era’s over…. But I was born with it already in my heart. I want to be a part of something that’s already over and all because of the music. But to be honest that music has gotten me through more of my life than most people. Can we just please make the world simple again? I don’t know how to be mainstream, and I never will be. I can’t pull off modern styles and listen to most modern music. I was just not made for this version of the world… I miss something I was never even alive for. 

How I See You

I don’t expect

For you to see

The way that

                                                                                                                                I

See you.

 

 

But you’re my

Heartbeat,

Something I

                                                                                                                                Will

ALWAYS need.

 

 

You’re the autumn

Breeze, a never-ending

Beam of summer

That I will

                                                                                                                                Always

Cling to.

 

 

You’re the first

Ray of spring after

A bleached winter,

A symbol of new

                                                                                                                                Love

 

 

You’re my country

Gentleman, my

Rebellious best friend,

You’re my hope, my

Beautiful redemption.

But overall, you are

                                                                                                                                YOU. 

Hope

Me, I’d walk a thousand miles

As long as I could hold your heart.

Dancing along a frothy sea,

Green foam spraying my weary silhouette.

 

Falling in a sky of blue,

Drifting, but your dark eyes keep me grounded.

I know I can breathe easy when

It is you who won’t leave me falling.

 

As much as I ever could, I know

Your heart brims with love and hope.

You have spirit, a new beginning

To find yourself in the hearts of others.

 

You have given me purpose;

And now I know that there,

As I dance along the cay in my mind,

The clean, salty air brings me to you.

 

You have now fused yourself

To my fondest memory, dancing in the rainy,

Misty, salt-bearing air at sunset,

My freedom, a place most don’t know.

 

It’s a place I can never return to,

But you’ve given me new freedoms.

You know how to light the fire

That makes me a better person

You’ve given me new hope.

What Hides in Shadow

Death lies in shadow valleys

Softly drifting, sliding across

Smooth, clear lakes,

Dancing on bare feet,

Tiptoeing gently,

Creeping into the homes

Of the weak, the sick

And the death-bent.

 

Death cries on gentle morrow.

A still, stale shudder raising goose bumps

On soft skin,

Falling into the tragic need for Death’s cloak

From this torn, bent, awful

Hellish haze.

 

Death hides in the shadows

Of my eyes.