I thought I would share with you today, a bit of my new book, Worthless. For more information on the background, check out my post here: https://welcometohellwritings.wordpress.com/2014/05/02/the-idea-behind-my-new-book-worthless/
August 4, 2013
I am writing to you because things are getting worse. They’ve never been good, not really, but I am afraid they’re getting even worse. I am starting seventh grade in two weeks and I don’t know why, but I am more afraid to start Jr. High than I am to go home to my stepdad, a man who seems to be finding every reason to punish me. I live in a small town with my mom and stepdad, about half an hour away from my dad and stepmom. I’ve been wanting to leave my mom’s house for years, but I was too scared. Now I just don’t know how to get out. It feels like have trapped myself inside my own hell.
My stepdad has been verbally abusing me since I was six and physically since I was seven. My mom is okay, but she is a coward. She can never say the things that need to be said, or stand up for what’s right. I have three younger siblings, two sisters and a brother. Their names are Maria, age ten, Elizabeth, age six, and Robin, who is nineteen months old. My name is Anna and I don’t know what to do. Maria hates me with all that she is and Elizabeth needs me with all that she is. Robin only talks to me, he won’t talk to Mom or Daniel-my stepdad-or my sisters. But I’m not sure how I can keep doing this… He is never going to let me go, let me live my life, let me be happy. I am so scared to live, and so scared to die. What can I do?
August 7, 2013
School is coming again and so is a new baby… Due in April. We just found out today, and I can tell you, Daniel isn’t so happy about it. I don’t know how I feel about that. When Robin was born, I became Mom. I cooked, cleaned, fed the baby, dressed him, changed him, got up with him three times a night even though I had school, and rocked him for hours until he fell back asleep. I cared for him when he was sick and I’ve been present at every single one of his doctor’s appointments because my mom never would’ve remembered on her own. I was there for his first steps, the first time he rolled over, his first solid food… I am Elizabeth and Robin’s mother. I taught Maria how to read and I’m working on it with Elizabeth now. Maria and I are close in age, but she hates me because I’ve had to fill the place of our mom. I am afraid that when the new baby comes, I won’t know how to be anything but a mother. I want to still have time for… I guess I don’t have a life here yet. We just moved.
I know one person, the girl across the street, Lauren. We aren’t really friends, but she seems nice enough. I’ve never known my neighbors and I’m afraid to now. I don’t want to somehow make them hate me. I’ve only had a few close friends ever. The rest of everyone I knew bullied me. I don’t know why, I never really talked to them, and I can’t find what separated me from the rest. I was just like them. But for some reason I was subject to their hate.
I am just trying to belong. Every day I feel more and more like I’m slipping from reality. I am numb to emotion, and I just want to matter… Please help. I don’t want to be nothing anymore.
August 11, 2013
Why is he so insistent that I am lying even when I’m not? He always has to be right, and I don’t know what to do. When I tell the truth and he doesn’t like it, I’m lying. “Don’t hurt me” doesn’t apply to real life situations, it doesn’t work. If someone is angry enough to hurt you, pleading for mercy won’t stop them. Only in our dreams do demons run screaming.
The demon inside David was fiery today, and was looking for a reason to be angry. I made the mistake of telling the truth.
I was watching Robin like I always do, because David disappears in the middle of the day for hours at a time with no warning, and not telling us when he’ll get back. The TV was on and Robin and I were watching cars. He was laughing and sitting on my lap, but eventually he got bored and got off my lap to go play. That was when David walked downstairs into the room. Seeing me with the TV on and Robin on the ground playing, not watching the television with me, he automatically assumed that I was watching the television and not Robin.
He said to me, “Why aren’t you watching Robin? What do you think you’re doing?” I tried to tell him that Robin had just climbed down off my lap, but of course he didn’t believe me. He slapped me.
“Quit lying, bitch.” I didn’t cry, tears didn’t even well up below my eyes. Crying is the second worst thing you can do in this world. It is weak and selfish and shows fear. The worst is to defend yourself, but apparently I haven’t learned that, at least not when confronted.
“I’m not lying, Robin just got off my lap!” My voice broke on “off” but I tried to keep it steady. I looked right into his cold blue eyes and I found the demon there.
David saw my meeting his eyes as a sign of defiance, and all of a sudden, it was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. In one quick motion, he grabbed me by the throat with one hand, lifted me to eye level and slammed me against the wall. Robin began to cry and David, still pinning me to the wall, turned around to scream at him to shut up. Turning back to me, my head reeling from impact with the wall and the small amount of oxygen reaching my lungs, he narrowed his eyes and growled at me again.
“Don’t you ever lie to me again. Do you understand?” I nodded weakly and suddenly I was falling to the checkered black and white tile floor. My head made a sound as it hit the ground, followed by my body, a disgusting, awful sound. I couldn’t move. My heart was pounding and everything hurt, but I didn’t have time to be in pain before a boot hit me in the ribcage.
“Get up! Now!” David was still raging. As I tried to stand, he kicked me again. “That’s for trying to step out of that hole you belong in.”
Finally getting to a standing position, Robin came to me, still crying. I picked him up, and even though my head was pounding, I pulled him close to my chest. David turned around, his demon still blazing, and yelled,
“Put him down! He is my son, he is only your half-brother; he will never be your brother. Don’t even touch Elizabeth or Robin. I don’t want you hugging them, and if I had my way, I wouldn’t even have you around. I don’t want them to grow up a worthless whore like you.” He practically yanked Robin from my hands. Robin, of course, started to cry right away. David took his one leg, held him upside down in the air and started spanking him to try and shut him up. He’s being raised not to cry, right from the beginning…
I stepped up to David, trying to get him to stop hitting my baby brother. I took Robin from his arms and turns around, shielding him with my body. David was kicking me and hitting me. I fell to the floor, covering Robin with my arms and legs and torso, curling into the corner between the couch and the wall, trying with all my might to cover Robin.
David tried to pull me off, but I fought and fought to protect my brother. I was bloody and aching and bruised, but my one and only thought was to save Robin.
I don’t know why, but David suddenly just left. I collapsed onto the floor, shaking. Robin was crying, so I calmed him down and put him in bed for a nap. Walking upstairs carrying him and then downstairs with the cleaning supplies to mop up my own blood was so much more painful than I can describe. I’ve cleaned up my bloody nose and head and sides, but I don’t know how I’m doing. It’s hard to tell when your whole body is screaming. I just want to go to sleep… This constant throbbing of my heart should maybe just stop…
I think I hear Robin upstairs. It’s time for me to start dinner anyway.